We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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