I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
