You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
