i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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