Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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