I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
