The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
