So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
