Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
