someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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