it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
