he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
