My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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