how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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