Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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