Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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