I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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