If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
