My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have fence marks all over my body
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
