I think I won the penis lottery.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
