He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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