I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh god it's open bar.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
