I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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