take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
