I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
