Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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