dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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