Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
