I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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