take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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