i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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