you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
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Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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