i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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