I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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