Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
