Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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