if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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