at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
