I'd wear matching sweaters with you
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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