I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
