remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
