girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
3pm strippers are depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize