I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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