he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
