the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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