Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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