Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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