Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
