god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
