just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
