Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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