If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
