dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
