so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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