Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
