How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
