i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
