Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
