I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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