I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
