drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
